I forgive you

I have a problem forgiving people. When I'm wronged, I usually nurture some righteous indignation, bursting out at inappropriate moments about how utterly inane/ungodly/downright evil the transgressor is. I sound witty and morbid and bitter. I sound bitter. And I don't even have that coffee-like aroma to go along with it.

So Jesus and I are dealing with this forgiveness thing. I'll spout off a bunch of crap and the Holy Spirit will give me that little nudge. That small guilty feeling. After all, I don't know why that person answered me with an attitude. Maybe I was bothering them and I should apologise. I don't FEEL great apologising, especially if the person to whom you're apologising still acts like a dummy. But it helps me let go.

For bigger things, like that time I was just standing there minding my own beeswax and someone ran me over with a truck (God forbid), or when someone really violates me emotionally, it's a little more difficult than that. Remembering the incident is like feeling the hurt all over again. I walk around for hours in a state of hyper-sensitivity, ready for combat with anyone. My family hides in corners; the dog runs away from me. No one is safe.

I think we all harbour a little unforgiveness from time to time. That woman at Subway who told you there were no more meatballs; next thing she's dishing it out for someone else behind you. The ex-friend who spread rumours about your alleged promiscuity. That teacher who punished you unfairly. Your parents. Your siblings. Your husband or wife. Your dog. It never stays at 'a little' unforgiveness. It grows and grows into a monster and it takes over your life. You become bitter and misanthropic. Rage becomes a dear friend, because you get angry about everything. People begin to avoid you, or worse, they catch your spirit of bitterness and start to grow their own. If it goes on too long, your body starts to suffer: unexplained pains, anxiety attacks, heart problems. Death.

Forgiveness is healthy. For Christians, it's a must.

But it's also a conscious choice. Most of us need some help. God gives grace, yes, but you have make the decision to forgive and the decision to stop nurturing the hurt into a flourishing plant. Some of us even have to work at it, repeating the words over and over internally until it sticks. I'm still working on it.