Yes, yes the bride coming ...

In all the busyness and tiredness and papers to mark and people to talk to and stuff to schedule, stuff to store and stuff to pay for ... other things have been slipping through the cracks. Now, people look at me like I'm crazy when I say this, but I need a certain quota of alone time to function at optimum levels. I don't mean time watching TV or listening to music or 'alone' time with Chef Boyardee (tee hee). I mean alone alone ... in my room on my bed, thinking or writing ... AAALLLLOOOOONNNNEE. In silence.

But it feels like I haven't done that in years (months really). Every time there is a 'spare' moment, there is something to do. Today alone I met with my photographer, had a looooooonnnnggggggg talk with my decorator, viewed, discussed and then ordered a boatload of table linens, bought champagne flutes for toasting and arranged for them to be engraved, worried about where the head table would go, called someone to arrange centre pieces and took my mom out for a pre-Mother's Day breakfast. Oh and I fed our puppy, which is a Broadway production in itself. Yes we have a puppy, whom I shall introduce you to at a later date. Then I took a nap (which does not count as alone time since weird people keep making guest appearances - isn't it terrible when someone you haven't seen in five years pops up in a dream to feed you pancakes?)

So I'm feeling a little drained, a little fatigued, a little overwhelmed. People are asking me things I'd never thought I would have to comment on (What type of arch would you like, dear? Have you chosen your cake song? Are you having a veil?) And I never knew about any of this stuff until now. And I have determined that not only should I share this with the world, I should find some way to warn all potential brides-to-be about how planning a wedding has nothing to do with romance and everything to do with budgeting, planning, wheedling money from various sources and a lot of driving around and giving your opinion. So this is my top five list of things not to do when planning a wedding:

5. Do not invite people you haven't seen in ten years and expect them not to come. They will most likely either feel guilty for not seeing you or they will want to see you really badly and they wouldn't miss this event for the world.

4. Do not ignore what your fiance is saying. I think we brides have a tendency to listen to everyone else's opinion except the man we marrying when planning the wedding. And now, with two weeks to go, I wish I had done what he told me to do (invite only 25 people and have it in St. Lucia).

3. Don't underestimate your own pampering. You need a facial, mani-pedi and a scrub. Possibly a head massage and hot stone treatment. YOU NEED IT!!! Don't say that the money would be better spent somewhere else. Cut back on the flowers, leave your primary school teacher off the guest list and RUN to the spa. Do it now, minion.

2. Don't underestimate how many things you are expected to do/have at the wedding. And choose wisely what to ignore. Like opting out of buying $500 crystal champagne flutes (and you still have to pay $100 for engraving) for nice, classy-looking glass flutes (6 for $100) that you can get engraved for $70. Which may or may not be broken by one or all of your children. Unless you are my mother and can put the fear of God into said children by behaving like a mad woman if they even LOOK like they're THINKING of opening the cabinet where those glasses are stored.

And do you know they sell pens for you to sign the register with? And that these pens can cost upwards of $200? Someone somewhere is living the high life in Monaco because of pens like those and silly brides who buy them.

1. DO NOT ignore the fact that you need to rest, relax and recuperate. I think that the major reason I haven't had a bride breakdown moment yet, and am hoping not to have one, is because I am pacing myself. I cannot get everything done today. I can't get everything done tomorrow. But I do what I can get done and plan well for everything else to be done in time for the wedding day. And when I need to sleep I sleep. When I need to eat, I eat. When I want to treat myself, I get some white chocolate, munch slowly and enjoy that five minutes of yumminess. I am the bride, after all.