How do you freak out? Do you go into a quiet corner by yourself and have a good (silent) cry? Are you the type that starts pacing up and dawn, muttering to yourself (Chef does this). Or are you like me: you appear to be working but you're really silently working yourself into a frenzy. Then all of a sudden you have a brief, full-scale melt-down, and wake up the next day "most normal". *smh*
I've been panicking a little recently because I've reached a transition point. As you parent know, a child takes up not only a lot of energy but a LOT of money. So for Chef and I to get back on track with certain things that need to be done (roof repair, masters degree, new car, do-it-yourself sushi kit), I need a full-time job. As much as I have enjoyed freelancing over the past couple of years, I wouldn't mind a different challenge.
BUT! What to do? Where to go? I can handle an 9 to 5 grind; I guess that my primary concern is my daughter. I'm really, really having a struggle wrapping my mind around the idea of daycare. My mom won't be able to take full-time care of Ca'ia much longer. Or should I just bite the bullet, say bye-bye to the masters and to extras like KFC, wine and gel polish and stay home with her until pre-school? I'm truly conflicted. Chef told me to pray about it, and the answer will come. He's probably right ... but I didn't tell him that.
I think we all reach points where you have to decide whether you want to sacrifice to get where you want to go in your career or to get needed income, or sacrifice your career (temporarily) for something else, like the well-being of your family. One of my favourite bloggers, Penelope Trunk, says that no matter what you do as a woman, your career will suffer once you have children. You know what? I can accept that. But what I can't accept is if I entrust my little girl to someone who won't take great care of her and she has to suffer the consequences of my poor decision. Chef really had to calm me down last night because I'd reached an emotional wall: had two great interviews within the last couple of weeks and both of the positions sound really exciting. But if I can't settle my daughter, I won't be able to settle myself. That's on the agenda for next week.
I know that ultimately, I have to be SUPER happy with what I decide before I can be comfortable. I'll let you know how it turns out.
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Blessings....
ReplyDeleteEvery new mother goes through this. Its the guilt that pull and tug at our insides. The thing is it doesn't have to be an all or nothing gig. You are compromise. Since one of your goal is to work on your masters as well as work perhaps you can find a happy medium. You can start your masters off by working on it course by course i.e. a small course load, many people do that (if that is an option), or go to school part-time (if that's an option university wise) and do a shift thing with your husband and or your mom if you are not ready to leave her full time in daycare.
That is pretty much how many people do it here as daycare is obba expensive, some work part-time in the evenings when your husband comes home for perhaps 5 hrs. Others do their masters via online courses with their university - don't know if that is applicable, that way they get to be home and still handle the course load.
There is so many options you can explore and you don't necessarly have to give up your education, career path to do it, in addition to your responsibilities as a mother and wife you have a responsibilty to yourself to satisfy your own needs as well.
I've raised my daughters on my own, done university and worked full time, if i can do it alone then you can most certainly do it with help. Just balance.
peace and good luck with your decision