I've been really unfocused over these last few weeks. De Chile and I are sick, and have been for three weeks. Apart from the cough, stuffy/runny nose, headaches, body aches and general malaise, I can't seem to concentrate on anything. My attention span has never been super long, but now it's like non-existent. I have certain writing projects due, but I've just been busy trying to prepare for my new job (starts in January, more on that later), keep the house and myself together, rest. De Chile has been going to daycare for nearly one month now. She's comfortable, she greets her caretakers with joy in the morning, she seems happy and contented. So that is settled.
But I still feel weird. It's almost like I feel like I've been cut off. It's a good thing in that I'm free, weightless. I feel like no negativity or drama can stick to me. I recently met up with someone who I really cared for as a friend and who blew me off because we had a difference of opinion. She felt I'd betrayed her; I felt that she was ruining her life. She acted like she didn't see me. The old Des would have been angry, hurt. This Des confronted her with a calm and pleasant greeting, enjoyed her meal and left happy. I even forgot to say goodbye. The old self-consciousness that has plagued me for much of my life is falling away n I'm more sure of who I am and what I want/like/need. And I'm no longer shy about asking for that.
But feeling cut off is also bad in that I feel adrift; so many things have changed in the last two years that I'm not sure that my emotions have been able to keep up. I have made friends, lost friends. My life goals have had to change. My priorities have shifted big time. I've been walking around with no money in my purse for a week and a half and not panicking at all. If you knew me at all you would know how huge a change that is for me.
I know that when I start my 9 to 5, I will probably fall to earth with a bump and get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life. But being 'cut off' also means that I really enjoy my daughter's uninhibited smile; I appreciate what a great husband I have. I pray for my parents. I spend some time with my siblings like we haven't done since we all were children. I'm looking at life in HD (I apologise for the cliche). And I thank God because it is good.